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Quarantine Smile Neon

Quarantine Blog, Day Twenty-Six

I’ve been hearing a lot of sass about this new order.

The one where we were told that, for the sake and safety of all of those around us, we should stay away from the Great Public and maybe not put our boats in the water yet.

But I say, why not?

Put your boat in the water.

Why not?

Just build a new dock, bring your boat down to it, and set it in the water.

It’s not hard.

Really, honestly, incredibly easy.

While you’re at it, go to the store!

Sneeze on the carrots, spit on the lettuce, and shove the ranch so far down your pants that the only way to pull it out again is to open it with your baby toe, let it leek down the isles, and only when it’s empty and you’ve left your mark can you squeeze it with your calves as to have a hasty deliverance from your pant leg so that you can leave it for some sap to slip on at a later time.

Then what you should do is lick the ham.

I know that’s a strange practice, really I do, but it’s important.

It shows that Covid-19, and that Gretchen Whitmer who’s boss.

You’re not gonna get sick!

You’re a pure, red-blooded American, damn it!

You eat raw fish and throw eggs at houses on the regular, like your father, and his father before him.

So go ahead. Put your boat out. Have a party on the water. Invite all of your friends and enthrall them with your seed of disease. Then have them go and do the same thing.

Why not?

It’s just the safety of the world that we’re talking about.

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Micah Mabey

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